The Unfit Athlete

INTRODUCING MY BIKE!

This is my new bike -- 

The one Doug got me for Christmas, only we were too busy to actually shop for the bike until last weekend.  She's posed like the rugged glamazon she is alongside Doug's mountain bike.

A Trek Woman's Specific Design 4300.  A mountain bike with a floral design.

We went to Budget Pro Bicycles in Eagle Rock to look around.  Just so that I could get an idea for what's out there and maybe test ride a few bikes.  

Budget Pro's in a strip mall and from the outside looks like a little hole in the wall.  I expected it to be about 500 square feet at most.  But, it's actually quite large and well stocked.  All the sales people are also cyclists and work there so they can talk about bikes all day.

Joe helped me.

First, he taught me how to figure out what size bike I need.  

You straddle the bike and make sure there's a comfortable amount of space between your crotch and the top bar of the frame.  (Very important.)

I need either a small or a medium frame.  

Time to test ride.  

First up -- the small WSD 4300.   It felt good, but it also felt too small.  Why it felt good, was impossible for me to describe.  But, I knew it was too small because when I extended my leg out all the way to get maximum push my butt hung off the back of the seat.

Joe suggested I try one of his favorite models - a Gary Fisher unisex (read designed for men) bike.  It was blue (my favorite color) and very sexy.  Wasn't too small, but I didn't like the way it felt. The boys asked me why.  I didn't really know.  It felt like I had to lean over too far to get the handle bars, so it wasn't as comfortable.  Joe believed I just needed a different saddle.   He went in to get a comfort seat so I could try that.

Doug and I stayed outside and talked about what I liked and didn't like with the bikes.  When Joe came back out I asked to try the Trek 4300 in a medium.  That bike was up high, so it was a pain in the ass for them to get it down, but I had a feeling about it and wanted to try it.

I'm glad I did.  It was perfect!  So Doug bought it for me.

Sunday Doug and I packed our bikes up on the car and drove out to the bike paths in Arcadia.  

I LOVED IT!  

So, fun.  Much, much more fun than riding the stationary bike at the gym.  

When I went up hill I pretended that I was Lance Armstrong on the sixth day of the Tour of France.  This kept me going.  When I really struggled, Doug put his hand on my back and used the momentum from his own riding to help me.  We stopped when I needed to stop, but all told I was able to go about five miles. Not too far (I wanted to go 10), but not bad for my first time out.  The most important thing...

I liked it.  There's a sport I like!  Yippee!

KEVIN SMITH

By now you've probably heard that Kevin Smith got kicked off a Southwest Airlines flight for being overweight.  He has 1.5 million followers on Twitter and immediately started to tweet about the ill treatment he was receiving from Southwest.  Soon the story appeared on the news  (both trashy and respectable) including TMZ and The Boston Globe.  Southwest had a PR representative, someone with experience talking to people and calming them down, call Kevin Smith.  She apologized to him and even wrote a blog on the Southwest Airlines website publicly apologizing to Kevin Smith.  

If you want more info on the story -- here are some links.

If not, here's a link to Kevin's blog:

http://silentbobspeaks.com/

The BOSTON GLOBE uses this incident to create the headline, "Kevin Smith:  Too fat to fly?"

http://www.boston.com/travel/blog/2010/02/kevin_smith_too.html

THE SAN FRANCISCO CHRONICLE asks the question... "Is Kevin Smith Two People?"

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/blogs/green/detail?entry_id=57282

This whole thing makes me say....YUCK!

This story broke while I was on the elliptical Sunday night.  (Completely true.)  My first thought was -- wow, if celebrities are getting kicked of a SOUTHWEST flight for being too fat, the rest of us are in deep, deep shit.  Businesses typically go very far out of their way to get celebrities to patronize them.  If they are willing to shame a famous person, I'd hate to think how they're treating the rest of us.

Yet, it swiftly comes to light that the reason Kevin Smith was treated in this way?  He was mistaken for a fat nobody rather than the fat somebody he is. 

Let's face it, everybody - fat, thin and in between - has had some crapy experience flying.  How many of us have ever received a CALL from the airline to apologize?  A call from someone above worker bee level at the airline?  Someone with the authority to write a personal blog of apology? 

I'm outraged Kevin Smith was treated in a way he found shaming.  And more outraged that there are many other people who have been shamed by corporate America who receive no apology.  

And a word to the reporters creating headlines -- a little dignity please, we all know Kevin Smith isn't two people.

Personally, I'm rallying in support for Kevin Smith.  The reason being, I don't want it to be okay for the Airlines to shame fat people.  It's a sensitive arena for the obese, as having to buy two seats or get a seat belt extender are rights of passage on the way up and also the way down on the journey of weight gain/loss.  It's not hard to understand that no matter what size you are.  So, I would think that any steward could act compassionately and in a non-shaming way with any customer. If not, perhaps some sort of sensitivity training should be mandatory for the flight staff.

And I mean with all of their famous AND non-famous passengers.

THE MUNDANE: ELLIPTICAL MACHINES AND DRAG QUEENS

My mother's sister has made physical fitness a daily priority in her life for a long, long time.  Probably since the sixties, but maybe longer.  She enjoys walks after dinner, going to Curves and an assortment of other activities which combined with her good eating habits have kept her in great shape. Last week she read my blog and sent my mom a kind e-mail saying, "Elizabeth can make the mundane so funny!".

I have two thoughts about this.

The First - I love compliments and especially love being told my writing is funny.  Her words make me feel very, very good.   (Thanks Aunt Marty!)

The Second - Exercise is mundane?? That's where I've been going wrong!  (I'm making the hitting my forehead with the palm of my hand motion.)

To my mind, exercise isn't so mundane, it's more akin to an exotic trip abroad...like visiting an ashram in rural India. When I go to workout I'm outside my comfort zone, there's an element of spiritual seeking and I'm not sure what's going to happen next.

Example...

Take the seemingly mundane task of going to the gym and jumping onto the elliptical machine for thirty minutes.  I put in my earbuds and allow my mind to soar.  

One of my two favorite fantasies emerge.

I'm an amazing white, plump, female rapper -- like Queen Latifah back in the 80's, only angry like Eminem.  I shake things up with my look, wearing pastels, a pink cardigan and a button up shirt with jeans and ballet flats.  The critics love my love for juxtaposition and appreciate my humor.

SPIN MAGAZINE says, E-low takes fighting the power to the next level, finally a rap artist speaks out against automated teleprompts, evil cable oligopolies and terrible customer service.  Her nice midwestern looks and "Don't Frak with me" dope rhymes make her assessable to her loyal audience which spans generation, ethnicity and income level.

Oh, yeah.  Everyone loves me when I'm an elliptical rap star.  

Until, I begin to analyze the rap lyrics.  I find the profundity behind the profanity.  After all, Eminem is right, we might all be Slim Shady, so let's all stand up and if you know what I'm talking about, perhaps "The Real Slim Shady" is on your exercise mix too.  

Soon after I start to dissect the lyrics, I begin to get restless with exercising and it's time to bring in the big guns...

"I Don't Feel Like Dancing"  by the Scissor Sisters

The fantasy...

I'm a six foot tall Drag Queen with a huge wig, glitter eye shadow, ruby red platform pumps, and a grand ball gown, the kind of thing that would make Tim Gunn use the word, "costume".  When I come onto the dance floor, everyone notices.

Not very mundane, is it?  Well, not for me anyway, I suppose for an actual Drag Queen it could be, but, in my fantasy Drag Queens only admit to being fabulous.

And that's why this is why this is my beloved fantasy.

Like many woman, I'm prone to feeling fat and ugly. 

One such day, I was on the elliptical machine, listening to the Scissor Sisters and I thought to myself, "I hate being a girl and feeling fat and ugly".  Then I thought, "You know who really enjoys being a girl?  Drag Queens."  In all the movies I've seen them in, they really seem to work it in bold, exaggerated ways that I have not worked being a woman... well ever.  

So, I did what any writer would do, pretended I was a Drag Queen at a disco rather than a fat girl on the elliptical and you know what?  The time I was exercising FLEW by.  So, I bought an ABBA album and the rest is history.  

Though sometimes, when I'm feeling more mundane, I do wonder what the person exercising behind me thinks.  Because, that person, has probably made exercise a daily habit and finds it to be... mundane and is probably amused by all my jumping around while I work the exercise machines.  

A SMALL TASTE OF VICTORY

Sunday, I went for a hike.  Perhaps five yards in, a creek with running water and stones crossed the path. 

There were only three ways to get to the other side.

Simply walk across.  I'd get my feet wet (probably up to the ankles) but, I'd get to the other side.

Hop across on the uneven stepping stones.

Walk across on a log forming a narrow natural bridge.

I weighed my options.  

Being afraid of water moccasins and parasites and dirty feet, there was no way I was going to take my shoes off and walk barefoot in that creek.  I also didn't want to get my tennis shoes wet and subsequently muddy as my hike continued, so, wading across, not an option.

Since I fall down a lot the uneven and probably slippery stepping stones didn't seem a prudent plan.

Which left the natural bridge.  Wii fit has taught me, I have no balance.  It also showed me when I try to walk on a tightrope from one rooftop to another - the sharp toothed, strong jawed, robot always causes me to fall.  Hmmmm....maybe that doesn't mean anything.  No robots in sight.  I'll try the log.  After all, if the log were on dry ground, walking it's length on top of it would not intimidate me.  I think to myself, I'll hold onto that thought and cross with confidence.

Which worked, until everyone crossing before me did so with looks of terror.  Which began to psyche me out, until I remembered, none of them actually fell.  So, I visualized success.

One step, then two step and more.  Before I know it, I'm in the middle of the creek and it's half way over.  My hands are out, like my tightrope walker avatar on Wii.  I'm doing it...

I finish.  

There are only two words to describe it. 

Woo hoo!

It's a rush.  With adrenaline and endorphins and all those good things.  But it's more, it's victory over something physical that I did by myself.  I won and I like it!

Coming back, that log didn't scare me one bit.  It did terrorize a long line of people waiting to cross at the beginning of THEIR hikes.  Since everyone coming toward me was scared and therefore procrastinating, they encouraged me to go first.  So, I marched right up to that log.  Held my hands out like a circus performer and I put one foot in front of the other all the way to the other side.  They were impressed and I felt the thrill of having superior athletic skills and confidence and I liked it. 

Now that I've tasted victory -- I think I want some more.  This week, Eaton Canyon Creek, next week...

...THE WORLD!